My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not ****ing knee-capped! and ,.. What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own ****ing bike and wanted to go home! and .... Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. and.... God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to **** her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too ****ing happy about it in Woolworths either! and .... I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what? and finally ... The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.