Boom Tish!

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by LordGnome_old, Jul 4, 2011.

  1. LordGnome_old
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    LordGnome_old Guest

    My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.”
    I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.

    He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not ****ing knee-capped!


    and ,..


    What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
    ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own ****ing bike and wanted to go home!


    and ....


    Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
    She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
    Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


    and....


    God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven.
    The man says he’ll try.
    God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on.
    “Not bad” says the man,
    “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to **** her up the arse.”
    “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God.
    The man replied, “They’re not too ****ing happy about it in Woolworths either!


    and ....


    I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
    Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?


    and finally ...


    The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
    Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
     
  2. one-eyed-warrior_old
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    one-eyed-warrior_old Guest

    What do you do when the dishwasher breaks down ??

    Smash the bitch.

    How do you make a woman come?

    Who cares

    Why do woman fake orgasm?

    Cause they think men care
     
  3. insulinboi_old
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    insulinboi_old Guest

    Why hasnt their been a woman on the Moon?
    It doesnt need tidying up yet.

    Why does the bride wear white?
    So she will match the rest of the appliances.
     
  4. one-eyed-warrior_old
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    one-eyed-warrior_old Guest

    Why did the woman cross the road?

    Who cares , what the f;&$ was she doing out of the kitchen
     
  5. one-eyed-warrior_old
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    It's Sunday morning and Jake is reading his news paper

    Jake says "Beth cook me some eggs aye" as he turns to the sports page. Beth replies " no Jake. I will not cook you some eggs".
    Jake has a chuckle to himself and without looking up from his paper snickers " cook me some fu&$en eggs beth"
    "no Jake I am not your slave, cook your own eggs" states Beth calmly.
    Jake slowly folds his paper up and places it on the table " look here Beth" calmly replies Jake " cook me some f$)(@n eggs or you won't see me for three days".
    " no Jake I am no longer your slave, I don't care if I don't see you till next year, cook your own f)$&(n eggs ya bastard"
    So she didn't see Jake on Monday. No sign of him on Tuesday and on wednesday she could just see out of her left eye.
     
  6. mrblonde_old
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    Saint Peter looks down from Heaven and is displeased.

    A bishop has skipped his religous duties and is merrilly playing golf on his own. His golfing friends being at church.

    "GOD!" Saint Peter yells.

    "Yes, my son?" God replies.

    "See this bishop? Pllaying golf instead of spreading your word! He must be punished!"

    "Oh, he will be." God replies.

    The 15th hole, easily the hardest on the course: The bishop tees off, the ball goes 250m, hits a rock, careens 28 metres to hit a tree and take a 75 degree turn 15m left to hit a tortoise. The ball baloons up 50 metres from the tortoise's shell...and lands perfectly in the hole.

    "GOD!" Saint Peter yells again.

    "Yes, my son?"

    "I thought you said you were going to punish him?! He's just gotten a hole in one on the hardest hole!"

    God smiles.

    "And tell me, my son.... Who can he tell?"
     
  7. Northern_Union
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    Northern_Union Guest

    Guys i laughed at all of these but if someone complains i'll have to delete the thread.
     
  8. mrblonde_old
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    mrblonde_old Guest

    Fair 'nuff NU.

    Or you can just quote the Parental Advistory sticker Guns n' Roses put on their "Use Your Illusion" albums: "This album contains language which some listeners may find objectionable They can F?!* off and buy something from the New Age section."

    I was watching TV the other day, when my Dad came in and switched it off.

    "That's not on." I thought to myself.
     
  9. LordGnome_old
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    LordGnome_old Guest

    Politcal corectness gone mad!
     
  10. seymourkempfan_82_old
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    seymourkempfan_82_old Guest

    Im offended. This thread is a disgrace to myself and the leage players I stalk.
     
  11. ToiletDuck_old
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    ToiletDuck_old Guest

    Haha nice username.
     
  12. LordGnome_old
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    LordGnome_old Guest

    LOL!

    She's back!
     
  13. Northern_Union
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    Northern_Union Guest

    You've offended me and i'm going to have to delete you, Lord_Gnome style!
     
  14. ToiletDuck_old
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    ToiletDuck_old Guest

    And the join date - July '09. lolz.
     
  15. seymourkempfan_82_old
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    seymourkempfan_82_old Guest

    Lord Gnomes Style? Me and "grant" have this fun game called hide the gnome. Is it something like that?
     
  16. seymourkempfan_82_old
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    seymourkempfan_82_old Guest

    Your face
     
  17. fitzy_old
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    fitzy_old Guest

    Good jokes guys. How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. (an oldie but still not bad)
     
  18. insulinboi_old
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    insulinboi_old Guest

    What do you call an English homosexual Rugby Union loving national Voting Christian?

    Lord Gnome.
     
  19. LordGnome_old
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    LordGnome_old Guest

    You got the English but right at least. As for the rest of it, it could be any male member of the wider royal family.
     
  20. LordGnome_old
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    LordGnome_old Guest

    Q Why did the scottish lady have two black eyes?

    A Dinner wasn't ready